I have a crush...

Lovelies...  It's spring in NY, the birds are chirping, the bees are buzzing, and I have that glorious feeling where you are so freakin' excited to see someone you want to jump out of your skin!

I am totally smitten with this particular fella in my life right now.  One word: Dreamy.  Oh, wait - a second word: Kind.  Yeah, dreamy kindness makes this girl melt every time.  

And he's tall.  And semi-exotic (he's a half & half -- half American, half something that makes me want to ravish him, declare my undying love for him and suggest that we move to his homeland and make little Portuguese speaking babies...)  Sigh...

But things that I am mad at myself about:

1. I should not be using all my precious mental time day dreaming about someone I hardly know - for heaven sakes - he could work at McDonald's and live in his parents basement!  (I highly doubt that, but one never knows  does one..)  That is unless one asks which college you went to, what are you planning to do with your life if the theatre thing doesn't work out...

2. He's an actor.  I NEVER EVER date actors.  They are one big mess of trouble - and every actor I've hooked up with or dated has come to me soon after declaring his love of Ethel Merman and telling me that he "likes men now".  I don't want to be someone else's pit stop out of the closet - really... twice was enough... (Oh, College.  Sigh...)

3. Deep down, I worry if I really deserve to feel this way.  I often worry that because I'm a size 10, will anyone love me?  It seems like all the pretty thin girls are OK and get the gold stamp to go on and achieve happiness.  But for some reason, I feel like my bigger mid-section and normal size legs would be SO gross to any man...  I'm not a thin girl and for some god awful reason I've come to the conclusion that pretty= thin.  And Thin does not = Miss Musical...

Terrible, I know, and I hate wallowing here (but permit me to wallow for one moment more).  I do not try and complain about my body to others, but I hate it sometimes.  I really do.  I wish I could be as thin as my girlfriend Lo, or have boobs that actually match my larger frame (God played a cruel trick on me and gave me a size 10 waist and A cup boobies.  It sucks.)  

Now I have nice legs, pretty eyes, and a great smile -- but so do half the other bitches in NYC and most of them are also a size 4.  (My secret weapon is that I have more personality and zest for life in my little finger than most people have in their life!  This is a perk & a draw back, though... )

Bottom line - Totally smitten with the fella...   But why am I having so much trouble being smitten with myself - life is way to short to sweat the small stuff!  I have my health and my sanity and all my family members are safe & healthy - what more could any girl ask for, really?