Lovelies, let me start this by saying: I'M NOT PREGGERS! (and we can all thank God for that!) But I was thinking after my long... LONG week in the Hampton's about if I really truly want to have children or not...
Being here and spending 8am to 8pm everyday with the three UES Munchkins has been a blast & also incredibly draining. I don't know if I'll ever be ready to be a parent. Then again, is anyone ever ready?? Really? (Although I think that my parents were born ready- they are such great, rockin middle of the road parents!)
Here's why I don't think I'm cut out for motherhood: I'm a pretty selfish gal. I like to sleep in. I love going out when ever I want and not having to worry about feeding kids/ watching kids/ disciplining kids... I like to spend money on myself and not on a little offspring that demands food/ clothes/ Miley Cirus albums/ housing. And I like to read books & watch TV late at night without worrying about if I'll have enough rest to take care of kids the following day... I just don't know if I'll be able to handle everything without vast amounts of Coffee & Alcohol.
Also, what if I royally fuck up my child?? I'm a pretty well-rounded person, but the oldest UES Munchkin I nanny for is for sure the only 3 year old who knows who Bing Crosby is... And the entire vocal selections to Guys & Dolls... What if I make them go into therapy? What if I cause them pain, as I'm not always the most attentive & considerate person?? What if they hate me? That thought alone makes me want to sew my female bits shut.
Last night I found myself weeping (due to a bad case of tired and drained - that's what I do when I'm tired. I cry.) and thinking about how sad it is that I never ever have considered not having kids before, but after this week I'm really re-thinking the whole thing. And how maybe I might end up like my own Auntie Musical - no kids, 1 husband, and 2 dogs. She seems happy...
I know there's different strokes for different folks, but honestly - most of the births in this world must be unplanned pregnancies.
Thinking about this for real is too much to handle. Back to focusing on theatre & my life now... The future will take care of itself, I'm sure.
(But Just in case here's a little prayer: Dear God. If you ever give me the balls to have kids, please, PLEASE let me be a good mother & not fuck them up. Thank you. Amen.)
